


dust to dust, ashes to ashes

by tolvsmol



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, bsically andrew dies im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 07:53:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10552770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolvsmol/pseuds/tolvsmol
Summary: andrew dies. thats it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to colors by halsey & brother by falling in reverse

“Andrew,” said Neil. “For fuck’s sake, Andrew, that’s enough.”

But Andrew had never listened to Neil a day in his life and that wasn’t about to change now, so he continued to pour another two spoonfuls of sugar in his coffee. Andrew wasn’t a coffee person (it was too bitter for him), but once in a blue moon he surprised Neil and drank it – each time, of course, with enough sugar to perhaps put someone else in a coma.

“Mind your own business,” Andrew said when he was satisfied with his sickly-sweet concoction and walked out of the kitchen without another word. Neil should have been used to this after so many years, but he would _never_ understand how someone of Andrew’s size could consume so much sugar without becoming diabetic. So he picked up his own breakfast and followed Andrew’s footsteps to the coffee table and set down his plate of food and mug.

They ate mostly in peaceful quiet before Andrew said, “Renee is thinking about visiting.”

“When?” Neil asked. It had been a while since he’d last seen Renee, or any of the other Foxes for that matter. He’d visited Dan and Matt about two months ago, and Allison some time before that. Neither Andrew nor Neil were too keen on going out of their way to see Aaron, so he Neil couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Andrew’s brother. Kevin was a little easier to get a hold of, but even he had been busy this past month. And Nicky was in Germany. So it was just Andrew and Neil and their cats.

“Next week, maybe,” said Andrew. “That okay?”

“Yeah.” Neil didn’t have too busy a schedule right now, and he could spare a day or two for Renee. “How’s the baby?”

“Fine. He’s starting to walk.” It really was no surprise that Renee talked to Andrew more than she did to Neil. Neil was close with the Foxes, but the bond that Andrew had with Renee was something Neil couldn’t have with her. If Neil had to guess, he’d say Renee was the closest thing Andrew had to a best friend, or a friend at all. What Andrew and Kevin had would probably be described as friendship by any other person, but Neil knew that wasn’t how Andrew saw it. It was something else entirely, just like it was something else with Neil – not in the same sense, of course, but different, nonetheless.

“Do you want me to set a day aside for dinner? Or just a free day?”

“Whatever you want,” Andrew said, which translated to _It’ll be nice if you clear a day and have dinner with us, but I’m not going to specifically ask you to do so_ , so Neil responded with, “I’ll make sure I’m free on Friday.”

Andrew nodded his thanks. They finished their breakfast, Andrew busied himself with work, and Neil went to the store because their fridge was bordering dangerously empty – and they needed more cat food.

* * *

When Neil returned, the apartment was abnormally silent. It wasn’t unusual for Neil to come home to quiet because there weren’t many people Andrew talked to, let alone invite over, so there was no cause for concern. Only this time, there was every reason to worry because something was off; Neil just didn’t know it.  

“Andrew?” he called, and got no answer, which also was not very out of character. Neil made his way to their kitchen and unloaded the groceries, putting away the bags and the cartons where they belonged. He’d gotten two five-pint cartons of ice cream for Andrew, so he stuck them in the freezer and grabbed the almost empty one before he went to join Andrew, wherever he was. The place was _silent_ , so Neil checked the bedroom first – empty. No sign of Andrew or either of the cats. Their living area showed no sign of them, either, save for the papers now spread out on the coffee table.

“Andrew, where are you?”

Neil went to their small balcony and there he was, sitting back in the rocking chair with one cat in his lap and the other curled at his feet.

“You know, you could yell _‘Here,’_ so I don’t have to search the entire place for you,” Neil said to Andrew’s back. Still, Andrew made no effort to respond. King Fluffkins left Andrew’s side and trotted over to Neil and meowed, demanding to be picked up. Neil complied, then crossed the short distance to Andrew, who was staring ahead blankly. King jumped from Neil’s arms to sit on Andrew’s shoulder and the movement did nothing to faze Andrew, except for the slight turn of his head.

“Andrew,” Neil said again, this time more urgently, his stomach twisting in an ugly way and he swallowed down the nasty, impossible thought that tried to break through. He kneeled in front of Andrew and turned his face with one hand pressed to Andrew’s cheek – his cold, clammy cheek. Neil stared at those unblinking eyes, the eyes he knew so well. His heart tripped on its own beat. “Andrew, what’s wrong with you?” he asked, ignoring what his head was screaming at him. This couldn’t be happening.

This could not be happening to Andrew.

With shaky hands, Neil picked the cat off from Andrew’s chest and pressed two fingers to his throat – to his pulse point. The stillness of it made Neil’s blood freeze in his veins and stopped his heart cold in his chest. One of the cats – Neil didn’t know which – whined in Neil’s ears and one nudged Andrew, no doubt sensing the urgency in Neil’s voice, but Andrew was motionless.

Time stood entirely still. Neil stared into those golden eyes that he’d known for years now, the eyes that knew him in and out. He stared at them, and they stared back unflinchingly – blank. Empty. The ice in his veins turned fiery and rushed through him, blinding Neil to everything else.

He would later recall telling the cats, _He’s gone._

* * *

Aaron was working on a case when he got the call. The patient was a thirteen years old boy who’d been in a car accident and needed a risky spinal surgery, Aaron was looking over the files and working out the details of his surgical plan. It had already been a long day, and he just wanted to go home to his family, but the ground slid from under him the minute he answered that call (despite his better judgment).

When he was working on a case as tricky as this, Aaron tended to ignore distractions; he couldn’t afford to have his attention divided when someone’s life depended on his ability to focus. But then there was his phone, silently buzzing and flashing Matt’s name – matt, who had no reason to be calling Aaron. No reason at all, and still, against his better judgment, Aaron picked up.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hey, man,” said Matt, his voice stranger than Aaron ever recalled hearing. “You home?”

“Not yet,” he said, and anticipating the next question, he added, “I don’t know when I’ll be free. What’s up?”

Matt was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, like he was struggling to say whatever he needed to. When he spoke, all he said was, “Sit down a minute, would ya?”

Aaron was already sitting, but he didn’t like the uncertain edge in Matt’s voice. “What’s going on? Spit it out.”

Again, it took Matt a century to remember how to talk and say, “It’s Andrew.”

 _It’s Andrew._ There could be so many endless interpretations of those two words. Andrew robbed someone. Andrew got arrested. Andrew got lost. Andrew finally snapped and killed Neil. _Andrew what?_ “What about him?” Matt said nothing. Aaron waited. Matt said nothing. Aaron tried to wait and failed. “What about him, Matt?”

“He’s dead.”

Aaron blinked. He waited for Matt to burst out laughing, waited for Matt to say _April Fools! I got you good!_ But Matt did nothing of the sort. The line was silent and the air rushed out of Aaron, everything forgotten. The only thing he saw was his brother’s face, so like his own. Matt was saying something else now; Aaron could hear, but he wasn’t listening anymore.

_“He’s dead.”_

Two words. So easy. So simple. He’s dead. Aaron wasn’t dead or dying, but he saw a montage of his life since the day Andrew stepped in it: the first time he met Higgins, the time they both spent under the same roof with Tilda, the back-and-forth to figure each other out, the hits Andrew took for Aaron and the crimes he committed, the day Wymack talked to them about the team, the day they renewed their deal, the day they ended it, the day Aaron killed a man for Andrew, the day they stood in a courthouse and spoke their darkest truths, the days they sat in Betsy’s office and bickered honestly.

_“He’s dead.”_

Aaron felt. . . cold, like a part of him was gone. And, in a way, it was. The phone wasn’t in his hand anymore. He was sitting back in his chair, breathing in and out faster than was normal, fighting to keep the tears at bay.

_“He’s dead.”_

Aaron should never have answered the fucking phone.

* * *

It was a closed casket ceremony. Neil figured that’s what Andrew would have wanted. They never got around to discussing that stuff; Neil wasn’t expecting either of them to die at age thirty. He’d always thought they had years to figure out what kind of _funeral_ they wanted for themselves. Not that it really mattered now what Andrew may have wanted, he was dead, but Neil figured he wouldn’t have wanted people looking at him. So he was hidden from view in that casket, buried six feet under.

Neil had considered cremation, just for a moment, before he remembered the way his mother had gone, and he decided he didn’t want Andrew to meet the same end.

This wasn’t the end Andrew deserved. None of this. Six days after he found Andrew on the balcony, Neil was still telling himself that this was not what Andrew deserved. He deserved to live longer, much longer. He deserved to have peace in his life, to have contentment. It was selfish, he knew it, but Neil couldn’t help but wonder. How was he supposed to live his life? He knew, logically, that life would go on and he would keep living. He’d done it after his mother. But this was different. With this mother, it’d been about surviving. With Andrew, Neil had lived. How would he relearn how to sleep alone in a bed he’d shared with someone for two decades? How would he get accustomed to the sudden disappearance of a body next to his? How would he make the cats understand where Andrew was? How would he live _alone?_

Matt and Dan were the first ones to show up at Neil’s apartment and what they saw scared them, Neil was sure. He couldn’t remember doing it, but he’d trashed just about everything in their kitchen. Truth was, he’d gone in for some water and had seen the two cartons of ice cream he’d gotten that day – and he’d snapped. Anything he could break, he broke. When Matt and Dan came, the apartment was a disaster and Neil was sitting on the sofa.

Everything else was a blur. He remembered Allison and Renee arriving. He remembered Renee hugging him the longest. He remembered Nicky crying when he finally landed from Germany. He remembered Kevin’s stony expression and bloodshot eyes. He remembered the mirrored look on Wymack’s face. He didn’t look at Aaron.

And Betsy. He remembered Betsy and her swollen face. He looked up now and saw her again, leaning against Renee. Neil didn’t have tears, and it looked like Bee had them all. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, her mouth trembling. Neil looked away. He knew what Bee had lost. None of them would ever understand Neil’s loss, but he could understand Bee’s. She’d been the closest thing to a mother in Andrew’s life, something more than a mother, and Neil knew how Bee felt about Andrew. Thinking about it made his stomach twist painfully.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, a scotch in one hand and a cat curled around him, before Renee joined him on the sofa. She was drinking, too. They sat there for who knows how long before Neil quietly said, “I miss him.”

Renee leaned a head against Neil’s shoulders and took his hand in hers. “I know,” she said.

Neil’s battered heart dropped at her voice. _She knows_ , he thought. She’d just lost her best friend. Of course, she knew. “I miss him so much,” Neil whispered again, something not many people would hear from him.

“Me too.” Renee’s voice was so, so quiet. “He was going to have dinner with me in three days.” A barely audible breath. “Now he’s gone. Forever.”

 _Sunrise, Abram, death: these are truths,_ echoed in Neil’s head from distant years. This was no time to remember something Andrew said when they were kids, but here it was and it hit Neil like a truck. He’d always thought he would be the first to die. Given his life, it made sense. Andrew dying first made no sense. But he was gone. Forever.

“I’ll have dinner with you,” he told Renee. He couldn’t replace Andrew in his or anyone else’s life, but he could try and fill the void he saw opening up waiting for him. He could try.

~~Neil didn’t sleep that night. The mattress was uneven where Andrew used to sleep. Neil didn’t sleep at night for weeks to come. Eventually sleep came, but Andrew was gone. Forever.~~

**Author's Note:**

> im ver y sorry


End file.
